At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic or something like, I earnestly sought a bottle of wine to relax my wound-up nerves after this evening's rehearsal-alas, there was none. I am not dissapointed, angry, or unhappy. Perhaps I was thrown off slightly by the lack of concentration and seriousness in the behavior of the younger actors, or perhaps it was the muggy weather, or too much caffine that seemed to stifle a deeper expression of Margarita. I believe that a sense of unstability in the rehearsal process has something to do with it. No doubt my personal life is a little similar although today I experienced great joy in my devotional time with God; I really emotionally connected with Him by both my petitions and endearments. I was really joyful today. My personal relationship with God has deepened.
I'm sad to say, as an actress, that I am not quite as ecstatic over this production as I thought I might be. I say that not as any discredit to the troupe but as an honest declaration for myself. My mind is elsewhere but not apart from direct influence provided by the subjects this play touches upon; the soul and its purpose, relationship and community. There are, for me, personal opportunities on the horizon for real acts of service that I feel I need as example of really expressing my faith, to really feel an impact-make, an impact.
We were asked to "take it up a few notches," in terms of our expression. I can, and shurely will, the more I am familiar with the script. But more than this, I just desire so beyond "acting" at this point. More than just "playing," "portraying," and "seeming to be!" "To be or not to be" is NOT the question-you either are or not. Acting, to me, is never "being" anything. Art imitates life, as it is said, and we are to "imitate" according to our skill of making it "be-lievable." Right now, I want to feel the increase and impact of life-beliefs. (I don't know if I know what I'm talking about, or if it makes sense!)
I consider two trips of service around the corner, one to India and one to Brazil. If this production were to take place after I had returned, would I have more experiences to draw upon in playing Margarita? I think it no coincidence that my pastor has been speaking on "re-plotting" your soil-expanding one's pot size to fit "new wineskins." Like my tense nerves, my spirit longs to be stretched. My mind is settled on that for now and although it may be of no contribution to an acting website, it is the truth.
I am tired this evening but inwardly I feel so serene, secure and eager in my own purpose. Perhaps Margarita has influenced my behavior and not the other way around. Thank you Margarita and thank you God. (I'm truly tearing up now.)