It may very well be that I have gone into some sort of shock, self-defensive status. I'm sure some of you might be revisiting, "A chorus line's, "I feel nothing"-song. I don't know the words by heart but I get the gist of the sentiments, certainly after this weekend. Perhaps I faked a little this evening at rehearsal for I certainly didn't connect to notheing but anxiousness. My anxiousness has matured in the sense that it takes form of a busybody. My character was lost and I prevailed to have my concerns at the forefront.
There are tears that should be shed for so many reasons, all for the feelings of utter helplessness. There are some committments I fear I can't keep due to finances and an overwhelming concern for everyone that I'm close to. We are being humbled in our prosperity and its the greatest danger that we might lose our humanity--no pun intended to the title of our show.
My director read it very clear; I was not letting a vunerable side out. In preparation, I had. I watched some images of a crucified Christ to prepare and believed that Rebecca needed to feel first, release first, but I had stopped there and didn't give any of that to my work--I'm just too tired. I'm so tired that I've ceased to know what tired is. I'm wired and my heart is beating fast, but my greatest hope is that once I stop moving, lay on my bed....I might sob a little....just to get me back.