Perhaps it is not well known that I spend many a night alone, mainly due to lack of funds, also as result of a few pre-decision. I read many articles that included interviews with actors who speak of sacrifice and seclusion as means of preparing for work. One might describe these choices as self-discipline.
Today I pushed my body beyond sluggishness and onto my daily routine of exercise. For this week, however, I attempted to push a little harder for my well-being, contributing to emotional health as well as my physical body. I am sore but satisfied that my body, at my age, swiftly responds by becoming firm-fast. The nine o'clock hour approaches and I'm already a bit tired but auditions have been calling my name and I must be prepared and rested.
Tonight I felt the loneliness creep up a bit and I would certainly call out the few friends who are passionate about community involvement and art if only I had the funds. I am saddened by those who violate themselves with more destructive activity and disregard the God-given life hidden behind what our world considers attractive and significant. I doubt an actress would so neither willingly choose to have to be nude in a film nor would any painter want to draw stick figures and so it has progressed for me spiritually and artistically, not to mention my striving for influencing social change by allowing myself to change. Some do so with art, some do so with good deeds. In life, I want more than being a part of the "herd", a blind sighted consumer, casting aside the majority of precious time in shopping malls or in bars and nightclubs with the unrecognizable motive of trying to "fill" up my spirit by pseudo-frivolity or even constructing and maintaining relationships through mechanical devices. I am easily forgotten and excluded by the choice to abstain. And for that, I am often home with my books or striking up conversations with strangers in coffee shops, seeking "live" people, more in the way and manner that we were meant to live. So my desires must be content with the "less is more" mentality which I must say has been a humbling yet positive thing. The result has been healthier respect for myseslf and increased individuality and growing respect for the uniqueness of others. That is the choice.