I long to increase my vocabulary so that I could remain a bit undeciphered by some and I want to sit in a waiting room where no one knows my name, that I might easily have my mind mold all that I am into the character on the page. There lies no interest within me for the stagnancy of life.
Excited to attend dance class this evening, I expressed to a co-worker my disinterest in participating in a theatrical play. What she doesn't understand is that my lack of interest lies in the lack of intrigue in the theater companies that are closeby. Specifically, I had two or three friends speak of auditioning for one company in particular after most of us had already performed in more than a few shows in that venue. Maybe there lies a bit of snobbery in me or I it could be that I have just grown in appreciation for the new and challenging,in somewhere different. Although the upcoming piece is one of interest, I can only imagine the judgements from within the audition waiting room where some might speculate about my insistance on not speaking with or engaging anyone in conversation as I sit in the corner and keep to myself in order to empty my thoughts and even calm my nerves and dissuade my insecurities. In one magazine article, a popular actress had commented on her personal life as irrelevant in speaking about because she believed that her flexibility and, almost ambiguity, keeps herself available to recieve true criticism on her performance and not her celebrity-I understand that fully.
One of the greatest tributes to a full-life of love and artistry is my closest girlfriend. She and her husband are some of the most down to earth and creative persons and it gives me hope for the possibility of partnership with individuality. I fear I've lost some friends to self-absorbtion and disintrest in becoming enraptured in the moment and settling for the status quo and I cling to those with the spark. I suppose the proper explanation is that they have lost me, and they have lost me to the world where creation meets eternity and I go to where I might find it.
I find it in books, meditation, music, and in movement. I step into the dance class, I attend the author's reading, I explore the city and I never assume to get a different result in the same place.